You were so close to having all you ever wanted. In the wake of these voices, that internal clock I had ignored for years and years made itself known as I imagined my eggs, nestled in my ovaries, withering away.
I stared at her blankly. It was less uncomfortable than I expected. On the screen, blobs of dark and light appeared. It had never occurred to me that I might get an ultrasound without being pregnant. In my known world, ultrasounds were for the pregnant—for seeing a fetus, for hearing a heartbeat, things people might ooh and ahh and cry over.
A surge of—something—ran through me. Otherwise, everything is okay for pregnancy. But I went back for a follow-up a couple of weeks later, after my period was over, and the cyst had disappeared.
I should have been relieved. Instead, I thought about my vacant womb, perfectly functional. Women age 35 to 39 had a slightly less than 30 percent chance of getting pregnant. I was eleven years old when I learned that pregnancy is treated differently depending on age.
A few minutes later, a nurse appeared, holding the largest needle I had ever seen—an amniocentesis test—and disappeared into the room. I was horrified.
Was this normal? Did all pregnant women need this? Later, my mother explained it was because she was over thirty-five. Thirty-five is the age at which hopeful parents miscarry at a greater rate. Thirty-five is the age at which a person hoping to be pregnant will be lucky to get pregnant at all. More than one pregnant friend has laughingly told me their doctors use terms like geriatric pregnancy and advanced maternal age to describe their condition , conjuring in me images of my friends as little white-haired ladies bent over their bulging bellies.
Every woman I know has heard, at least in passing, of studies demonstrating the risks of trying to reproduce at an older age, whether it be through a magazine article on why one should freeze her eggs or a well-meaning auntie pushing for babies. It elicits panic, an idea of some goalpost I was supposed to have reached but have failed to—as if, the further I get from this number, the harder I am failing.
In the months following my breakup, I overcame depression by throwing myself into other areas of my life. Reminders of him are everywhere.
Coming across his favourite breakfast at the grocery store is enough to make Shari-Ann break down. Everyday rituals like running to Tim Hortons end with her crying when they pick up only two drinks instead of three. He comforted his sister as she dealt with morning sickness — making sure she always had a glass of milk or a banana Popsicle when she needed one. He cried with her and tried to comfort her. As she sorted through outfits for her baby in the months that followed Devan's death, she came across onesies he bought for her, with words like 'I love my uncle" and "My uncle's the best" embroidered upon them.
She misses him when Marvel movies come out, because that was their thing. At Halloween, when they used to play pranks on each other to see who could scare their sibling more. As the days on the calendar creep closer to October 7 "it's like the wound is being reopened up again," Karissa explained.
Shari-Ann is holding on to hope that the HWDSB's bullying review will save another family from having to go through the pain and loss she's struggling with. Karissa says it's only been disturbed twice — once when they dug into it to return his school-issued iPad, and a second time when she wanted something to hold that still smelled like her brother.
On Wednesday the family plans to gather near Devan's favourite trail to comfort each other and remember. A virtual candlelight vigil is planned for that same night from p. Friday Afternoon Forecast - Nov. All News. CBS13 Investigates. Weather Video. Friday Weather Forecast - Nov. Thursday Afternoon Forecast - Nov.
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